Connecting With Your Child Through The Power of Attunement

Take a minute to reflect on your relationship with your child. Do you find that you “get” your child most of the time? When they are struggling do you understand why? Do you recognize their bids for connection? Or do you often find yourself puzzled or irritated with them? Or thinking they are being difficult? Here, we are going to help you understand what Attunement is and why it’s important. Then we are going to share tips on how to be more attuned to your child or children.

Attunement is a game-changer in parenting and relationships. It is often the missing link when parents can’t figure out what’s going wrong. It is that undeniable “it factor” that can give you unspoken confidence and ease in parenting. Here, we will break it down for you - what it is, why it’s important, why it’s hard, and how to do it anyway - because it’s that important.

So What Exactly IS Attunement?

Attunement is “to bring into harmony; to make aware or responsive”. In the context of parenting, we want to attune parenting to changing emotional states and needs of our children.

Attunement is really about “getting” our child. And every child needs to be “gotten”. They need to feel understood. They need us to see who they are at their core and to see all of their missteps in that context. When you can see your child’s missteps in the context of their good intentions, or internal frustration, you can respond to them so much more effectively.

Why is Attunement Important?

Attunement really IS a game-changer in parenting. The process of attunement is central to the development of healthy attachment relationships. When we talk about attachment here, we’re not referring to a parenting style you may have heard of that is characterized by co-sleeping, extended nursing, etc. None of those behaviours are wrong, and they can certainly have benefits, but they do not guarantee healthy attachment, and healthy attachment relationships can and do exist in families who don’t follow the “attachment parenting style”. When we talk about attachment here, we are talking about a psychological process. And attunement is crucial to that psychological process.

Just imagine how you would respond if you saw your child hit another child when you’re not thinking about their internal experience. You’re probably thinking about how the other child feels, how their parents feel, how you look like a parent and how your child looks, as well as how they might turn out. How would you react? Now, what if you were more attuned to what was going on internally for a child? Maybe the kid they hit had just hit your younger child. Maybe your child hadn’t slept or eaten well and just lost it, or maybe they had finally found the courage to stand up for themself. Does this make hitting ok? No, but how would you respond differently? You might respond with understanding. You might respond without shaming your child. You might respond by validating their emotions and teaching them how to solve the problem in a better way. You might respond in a way that preserves your relationship with your child - the relationship that helps you influence their behaviour.

So attunement is central to developing healthy attachment relationships. And healthy (secure) attachment relationships are foundational to healthy child development, and the forming of good relationships later in life, whereas unhealthy (insecure) attachment relationships, have been linked to addiction and mental health problems later in life, as well as problematic behaviour in older children. Given that half of all people are diagnosed with a mental health disorder by age 40, we cannot afford not to focus on developing healthy attachments in our children.

Healthy attachment relationships also contribute to readiness for learning, which can impact school performance. AND, healthy attachment relationships help with co-regulation (a parent’s ability to help their child come to calm), contributing to the development of important skills such as executive function, self-regulation, and problem-solving.

So attunement is important because it is central to the development of healthy attachment relationships.

Tips on how to Attune

So now that we’ve established how important it is, you’ll surely want some tips on how to better attune to your kids (or spouse:). To keep things simple, try using our attunement acronym RAP.

• Recognize emotions and needs.

• Ask open-ended questions.

• Put yourself in their shoes.

Now nothing this important is that simple, but this acronym can serve to remind you of the essentials.

It can also be helpful to have some understanding of child development. Knowing what is happening for your child developmentally can really help you understand their behaviour and their internal experience. Another tip is to slow down. We live at such a fast and busy pace that we often miss cues from our kids and forget to truly be present with them. This can lead to mis-attunement which can be frustrating and demoralizing for kids.

To be more present and set yourself up for good attunement, listen with your whole body. Make eye contact, and reflect back on what you hear to demonstrate understanding or get clarification.  

Barriers to Attunement

If you are realizing that there is a lack of attunement in your parenting, PLEASE don’t beat yourself up over it. SO MANY families struggle with this, and for good reason. There are a lot of things that get in the way of good attunement for the average family.

The barriers to Attunement fall into three categories: Cultural Barriers, Parent Barriers and Child Barriers. We discuss all of these, as well as their solutions, in our free mini-course The Power of Attunement, which you can sign up for below.

Let’s take a look at a few of them. A lack of early attunement in your own childhood creates a barrier to you providing this to your own child. This is because the pathway for attunement is not well established in your brain. The solution? Practice. Once you are conscious of what is missing, you can be intentional about building it in. The more you consciously attune to your child, the more natural it will become.

If you have a child with ADHD, Anxiety, Developmental or other challenges, that can be a barrier to attunement. Kids with these challenges are simply harder to parent. The solution? Well of course making a conscious effort to provide good attunement, but it’s also important to ensure treatment for your child, which can not only make your role easier, it can alleviate so much suffering for your child and set them up for success long term. This treatment can take the form of family therapy, child therapy or other therapies as needed. 

While it’s not always simple to make changes, especially in relationships, it’s important to remember that in relationships, small changes can lead to big impact. We often have parents coming to us who are working very hard to turn things around for their child or family. When you put that energy in the right places, it goes a lot farther. Attunement is a great place to start.

If you would like to learn more about attunement, sign up for our free mini-course. The Power of Attunement provides 3 short lessons that you can watch over 3 days with time in between to take simple action towards better attunement in your family.

In addition to the information you received here, you will receive more tips, visuals, and hear about a case study that illustrates how the average family can come upon difficulties with attunement. 

And if you know someone who is looking to show up for their kids as the parent they wish they had growing up, please feel free to share this article. Finally, thank you. By reading this article, you ARE showing up for your kids. And every time a parent shows up to their child with intention, the world gets a little better.