Preparing for the Holidays
With the holidays around the corner, you could be anticipating anything from excitement, joy and delight to anxiety, conflict and disappointment. The potential of get-togethers with friends, gift exchanges, and more family time can bring up a wide range of emotions, while the pressure to make the holiday special for the kids can have parents busy and stressed.
As a Child and Family Therapist and a parent, I have some thoughts on how your family can find more joy and connection over the holidays.
The Mindset Shift
As cliche as it may sound, there is really good evidence that a mindset of giving and gratitude makes us happier. Starting or ending your days with a list of things you’re grateful for (you can’t use the same list over and over again) can be a big help. I like to use this practice at bedtime with my kids. I don’t recommend making a big thing out of it. I just start off by saying “I’m grateful for you two and daddy and Cashew (our dog) and I’m so grateful that we’re going to have time off together and that ski season here) and they usually follow by sharing what they’re grateful for. Now if your child responds with negativity, it’s actually a good opportunity for you to get curious with them and validate their feelings. For example “I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down but I’m glad you told me. That must be so hard. I would love to hear more about what you’re feeling.”
It can also be helpful to re-define what a successful holiday season looks like. Check your expectations - are they realistic? If you are parenting kids with big feelings, expecting everyone to be happy the whole time will likely lead to disappointment. Keep reading for more on big feelings.
Creating the Space for Yourself
The concept of creating space for yourself is not new, but what does it really mean?
It means giving yourself enough time to transition from one task to another, one emotional state to another, and to be realistic about how long tasks will take! This is the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed by your to-do list.
It also means showing yourself compassion and taking some time wherever you can to do things to look after you. Asking for help can be an important part of this. I work with so many parents who have a critical dialogue running in their minds endlessly. This takes up a lot of space and can cause real exhaustion. Try listening to your thoughts for a little while each day and think of kind things you could be saying to yourself instead of any criticisms that are coming up.
Make Room for Feelings
You might be surprised at how many problems in families are caused by trying to avoid negative emotions. With such high expectations for the holidays, it’s hard to avoid disappointment. Sometimes I say “you can feel bad about feeling bad, or you can just feel bad - let’s not double the bad feelings!” When you can sit with your hard feelings and let them be there, they pass - all by themselves. This is true when we parents sit with our own feelings, and when we sit with our kids’ feelings. When we can let the feelings be there and see them as valid, often solutions or silver linings will show themselves.
For example, if moments of disappointment come up (a natural occurrence within children and families), giving your kids the opportunity to move through their feelings, as opposed to getting upset at their expression of disappointment can make navigating emotions much simpler. Of course it sounds a lot simpler than it is, because we all come into parenting and family relationships with our own hurts and unmet needs, that can derail our most genuine attempts at supporting our kids. That’s really why child and family therapy exist. But every step you take in the right direction makes a difference. And kids tend to be willing to let us try again and again, which I encourage you to do. When you mess it up, just say you’re sorry. I’ve literally said to my kids before: “I just heard that come out of my mouth - can I please try that one again? I can see how that was not what you needed to hear just then.”
Manage Your Own Expectations
To start setting yourself up for more joy and peace this holiday season right now, consider the following questions:
Are my expectations for myself too high?
How can I better manage my time?
Which supports can I lean on?
What is my top priority this holiday season, if I’m keeping the big picture in mind?